sapphire02's Diaryland Diary

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Brain Dead

Today was a hard day. Had to cook most of the day for a celebration dinner on Sunday. Made stuffed grape leaves. Takes a lot of time to roll it.

Home life is getting more and more unbearable. Everything I say and I get yelled at. It's hard to stick to my goals. Depression is knocking on my soul's door. Eating? Yeah, not as much but I hate it. I hate it. While I'm not fat in some people's eyes, I'm not skinny either. I want to see my bones and float away until I'm nothing.

I'd rather die starving than from going crazy with this man.

One good thing. I've been getting alot of support from the "family" his side I mean. I told them my fears of them letting him have partial custody. They said that he was no good as a dad. They would fight for me in court.

That's good, now he can't use his unlawful tactics on me.

Oh... I think I mentioned how he is a group councilor at a domestic violence group. He helps lead the men. Once I leave him that will be over, especially when I tell them that he comes home and defends the men for bashing the women.

He thinks it's unfair how the women throws the past into the men's faces and don't understand how thier changing.

Like anyone who had been a punching bag verbal or otherwise wouldn't do this. Wake up. People tend to get bitter about issues like this. He hasn't fogiven his mother for "not being" there when he was a teenager. It's been over 30 years. Yet women are supposed to forgive in a few days. I'm not saying that women should hold hate against a man, it only hurts them. But isn' that the whole point. All their life they put up with abuse. They've finally found the courage to get out.

I remember when he use to put women down when they stayed saying that it was their fault. Now it's their fault again. Does he not see how demented he is? He still is mad cause I don't hug him or have sex. Yeah like I'm going to do that after getting abused verbally every day. Stupid. He will hopefully be alone for the rest of his life. I'm still saving to get the hell out.

My son does not respect him as a man. he looks to my brother, father and his grandfather, my husband's father.

Meanwhile my daughter has strep throat. My husband took her to the doctor, first time he has ever done that. He kept telling that she shouldn't go anywhere. Like to the dinner tomorrow. I am not dumb. I know how to take care of my kids I have for 8 years and still counting. I told him to cut it out. He actually told her that he was glad that she was sick cause she held his hand and was close to him. Dumb dumb. He could've had that all the time if he wasn't the jack ass. Nothing there but the smoke from weed, pills and alcohol. Brain dead.

7:46 p.m. - 2002-11-23

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