sapphire02's Diaryland Diary

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I don't know what to say. I drank again tonight. I am not drunk but feel like the world is shit. Why??? Because I am not allowed to have emotion. I am supposed to never raise my voice above a whisper. If so then I'm wrong. I am not allowed to be happy, cause not everyone is happy in this world. I am not allowed to be sad cause don't I know that my fucking husband has other things to worry about???!

Fuck you. I don't like you. When I did you used to be cold as ice. You'd make me beg on my knees,(not playing) for you to love me. Then you'd leave and go out and go to a strip bar.

Fuck you, I was thin, I was 118 pounds at 5'7" that's fucking skinny. You would say I needed to be asian, cause they knew how a woman was supposed to act. You wanted me to talk more cause I was too quiet. Well now I talk, now I realize that I'm not bad. That you are just an asshole who I married and I don't know why. You are fucking arabic and don't know shit. You hate everyone. You don't even like yourself. You fucking bastard. You say that you believe in God, Hah, look how you treat women. You think we should just keep our mouths shut. Even when someone forges a bill in our name and doesn't pay us back. Even when you fuck our entire lives up. Or sleep around, or when I was in the hospital and you were too busy to see me. Don't you realize I almost died?? I tried to commit suicide. You didn't care. You wanted to make sure two men lurking about weren't messing with your fucking broke ass car. Then when I was depressed the next day you said that I was wallowing. Fuck you!! You caused me this pain. I don't like you. I won't say hate because I don't wish you dead. I just wish I were away from you. YOU told me I was fat and know one would ever like me again. You said I could never see my parents again. which I do and you continue to try and punish me. You put me down for going to church. You say I am not doing enough for the family even though I make 4 times less than you and provided everything for the kids and food for the table. You said that women should be more mature than men. I was 17 you were 29 when we met. How mature could I have been. Plus you don't like the mature me.

You make me hate me.

8:08 p.m. - 2003-03-01

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