sapphire02's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- state of depression I'm not sure how much longer I can take this life of mine. I have forgotten what it's like to be normal. I watch people and get jealous. Just seeing couples laughing together. They don't have to be all lovey dovey, just have a connection. I am trying so hard to be patient until the doors open for me to be free. But it seems like sometimes I can barely find the will to do anything. Usually on my days off. I just sat and looked at my house and thought. I don't want to sweep the floor. I don't want to go and work out.(but I did first time in 2 weeks. Now that my eyes are puffy for these foolish tears from pleading with God to save me. I feel like I'm in a haze. Why is at that moment your mom calls. That of course makes it worse. I cannot cry in front of her. It makes me sound tense and short over the phone. I hate doing that. It's like her very voice is the one last crack that opens the flood gates. I have to quickly get off the phone. I don't understand why I do that. Maybe because I'm too needy and have to hide it from others. The only people who know how much I feel is right here. If they bother to read. I just can't release. Not because of pride, but because I'll never stop crying. I broke down one time at a church prayer meeting. Someone was sharing their struggle with their marriage and it of course came to close to home. I was good though until the end. Someone came up and asked how I was. That was it for me. I just broke down. I don't see it as a sign of weakness, crying that is. Rather of strength. I am not strong. because of that I get so angry when people tell me how strong I am. It's just simply not true. I am like a prisoner. I am just surviving. I try to do as my husband asks. But lately I can't. I cannot be fake and smile and pretend like he wants. He knows this. So he is trying to break me. He is not going to succeed but with each mental battle I find myself needing a whole day to recover. So every day he tries to manipulate me. He says that I am being emotionally abusive. He says that I should be glad that he doesn't turn me in because I'm abusing my children. I keep my mouth shut(or try) cause I know it only gets worse if I defend myself. When he said that however, I quickly "you know that is a lie" You should have seen the look of glee in his eyes. "Why are you getting so excited, because I hit a sore spot? Nobody likes the truth." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Just because I have said "Get of out there" forcefully to my kids a couple of times. I dont say anymore cause it's always brought up. It was after they were fighting with each other, they would listen. Meanwhile he says that he has changed his nazis ways. His words. He no longer makes them walk up and down the halls 20 times if they ran. He doesn't tape their mouth close if they are too loud. He did that I just found out when I was at work. It was when they were toddlers. He doesn't call them names(yeah right) He doesn't hit or thump them on their heads(damn straight, last time he did that I kicked his ass and had him arrested, something he still is boasted how his family erased it from the books) This is what he admitted to. But I am the one who abuses. Please God get me out of here. People wonder why women have eating disorders. It's not because we want to look skinny, it's because we want to be invisible. 2:07 p.m. - 2003-03-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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