sapphire02's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Purging again I am losing control. Yesterday I went to pick up my daughter from school and this teacher made a comment that I looked good now that I've gain some weight. Last year when I worked there I weighed only 4 pounds less than I do now. I told this man who is very obese and has a crush on me, that I've been trying to lose and how could he say something like that. He said that maybe it was because I had big legs and that's why I thought I was fat. He also said that he hoped I wasn't on one of those stupid diets again. I have been so upset. This is the second time someone has called me fat in one month. First the jerk I live with, and then him. I couldn't take it. I woke up and said to hell with it then. Still I couldn't eat. Then when I came home I ate some macaroni salad. I saw the calories, 320 in 3/4 cup!!! I went straight to the bathroom and purged it all. It hurt so bad. Then I had to keep doing it to see if it was all up. Last week I also purged. I'm really getting nervous now. I just want to restrict, not purge. I despise people that do that. It is a waste of money. Still every time I look in that stupid mirror I see these fat, fat legs. They have to go. I am so disappointed in myself. All day long I called myself names. I need a break but I cannot give myself one. I wish I was confident in the way that I looked and felt. I told some woman I work with and she said that when she sees me she thinks skinny. I can't believe her though. 10:43 p.m. - 2003-05-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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