sapphire02's Diaryland Diary

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I cannot survive this

I went to work today. My grandfather was on my mind the whole time.

I heard a "code blue" in SICU and it turned out to be a 30 yr old man who had gotten hit by a motorcycle. He died. I watched as the family and two young children grieved. I thought to myslef, "Will I be able to do that?" I am afraid to cry in front of others. I kept seeing his wife drapped over her chest sobbing. I thought of the young ones playing in the hall,not really understanding. I prayed for them that they would not turn angry as adults for losing their father.

By 2:00 I was in pain. Almost broke down twice. I had seen them pushing the body of the man to the morgue. I wanted to just get home to cry.

By 4:00 I was a mess. A co-worker who had offered me a ride home made me tear up. For the first time in learning my grandfather was in the hospital, I started crying. Not hard, I was in public. My husband picked me up so I could get my van out of the shop. He suggested we go to the movies on Tues. He was the last person I wanted to be with. I said no, I didn't feel like having fun. My grandfather was dying remember! He apologized. I hated him at that moment. I started crying again. Silent tears, I know how to cry from one eye so he couldn't see it. I have had plenty of practice with him.

I pick up my van and head over to the hospital, my mom calls, they didn't make it camping. They were home. I went to pick them up. How was I supposed to do this now?? I took them with me.

My grandfather looked all frail lying asleep in the bed. I woke him and made him eat his dinner. He was so glad that I was there. I helped him cut his food, position him in bed. I was so happy to be there. My kids watched on as I did this. I could tell they were nervous. My "papa" as I started calling him then, said he was happy I showed up. That I made him eat. I felt good, I remember on e other time he told me that. I felt "forgiven" I told him that I will take care of him at home. At night s I will live with him. Before I left I hugged and kissed him. I have not kissed him in years. (goes back to being too needy for others to hug and kiss me. It hurts.) At that moment I was not embarrassed or too needy. He needed me.

I get home and I am now drinking. I don't want to be here when husband gets home. Too late. He fucks it all up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been reprimanded for allowing the kids to watch Batman. It does not matter that 2 days ago, he also allowed them. Did I not know that he was drunk and did not know? I said that how was I supposed know that? He said I should have.

So know? I would like to die.... or at least cut myself. I think I will take it out on my hair when my grandparents die. that will be my symbol of mourning.

10:49 p.m. - 2003-07-28

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