sapphire02's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Be careful of what you dream Be careful of what you dream... It may come true I had been dreaming about my granparents being in the hospital for about a week now. I believe some dreams that repeat come true; so I called my grandfather and didn't receive an answer. I figued he was over at the hospice where my grandmother was. Well he was with her but not there. My grandmother was in the hospital with pulimonary edema. Fluid in the lungs. I am upset because he did not call me. Today I got a call from my uncle that my grandfather is in the hospital. Anemia and prostate cancer. I knew that he had it, though once again he didn't tell me about it. However now it has spread throughout his body. I feel like I want to cry and yet I can't. This pain is so great that it is just rolling over and settling down deep inside. I took a drive after dropping off my kids at my parents, (hey are going camping for 4 days) still tears will not come. They want to bring them home and hire someone to take care of them in the day. I offered the to live in and be there at night. I deal with this all day at my job, these are the kind of patients I have. Part of me feels guilty, I know everyone feels like that. I feel guilt for leting my shame limit my spending time with him. I was ashamed of my marriage being a failure, I was afraid he would disapprove of me. I know deep inside he wouldn't have. Still, I was the favorite grand-daughter. They will die together, I know this is true. They have been married for 65 years. My grand-mother who has alzheimers will not eat from anyone but him. She doesn't know who he is, but somewhere inside she must. I will be happy when they go. Does that sound bad? Truly, what kind of life do they have now? My grandmother is bed-ridden, my grandfrather is in great pain. They go to a far better place. I will miss them, but I am not one to be selfish and want to keep them here. I love them, therefore I let them go. To me they were perfect. Never drank, never smoked, always trusted in God. Saved their money, bought everything with cash. Lived what they believed. Love conquered all, they forgave, disciplined when it was needed. *for me that was one time* I love them truly. They were all that Jesus taught. I am not worthy of them, and yet God gave them to me. I only pray that I can grow up to be like them. 10:47 p.m. - 2003-07-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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