sapphire02's Diaryland Diary

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I'm scared

Just a little. My mother saw it as we sat in Starbucks having coffee.
She said nothing.
I told her that I couldn't try on any clothes today..I've started my period..I'm too bloated. I've gained 13 pounds of water. I said, every day the number is getting higher again. Just like before. It's in my thighs, it's in my stomach, it's in my breast...

She called me back and told me exactly what was going.

How are mothers so in-tuned to us..reading between the lines.

She said,
"You feel out of control. The wedding, your job, your finances. So you are focusing on your weight again. You've got the look on your face again. You aren't even excited about the wedding. You aren't eating and when you are it's not good for you. Vicious cycle begins again "

yep....all true.

Only she doesn't know about the purging I think.
I purge all day....My gag reflex is just about gone.
That scares me.
It really scares me.

She doesn't know about the dreams of my ex...The guilt is riding down on me again. She doesn't know about the jealousy I have that he has moved into the huge house.
She doesn't know that I have to force myself to not cry when I leave work every day.
She doesn't know that I feel like I am feeling like a insecure failure. That I want to just bury my head and close my eyes really tight.
She doesn't know that I can't function anymore.

Of course...maybe she does and I just don't realize it.

I feel like I'm swimming upstream, my arms are so tired. I am so weak.

But most of all, I'm scared because I know I am losing my will to continue.

6:16 p.m. - 2004-12-05

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