sapphire02's Diaryland Diary

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Jeff~ 15 years ago today

15 years ago, today
I was driving home when suddenly I remembered.
I had glanced to my right and spotted a white truck.

Cycles.

My life has been one tornado blowing, spinning me round and round since I was ten.

15 years ago

I was walking with my cousins and my sister. A white truck with three guys pull up. They called us over.

I was the brave stupid one. I walked up, against the red light and went to talk to them.

They said I was pretty. It was the second time a guy called me that.
My father never called me pretty.

~side note~ Men..always hold your daughter's and call them pretty

Jeff

He was 25. He told me he was 20.. I had only turned 15 the week before. It was Dec 10th, 1988.

He took my phone number. Said he'd call me sometime.
He did, every day, filling my head with all sorts of nonsense that 20 year old immature men spill out. I took every bit of it and believed.
He asked me to go out with him.

Now those who know me, know that I have a hard time talking...especially if it's something I really, really want...
So I said nothing to my parents. I lied and said that I spending the night over a friends.

December 21, 1988....I hate that day, it has always been one of great pain
I met him at the mall. Scared as can be...I remember all the christmas lights and ornamants. I thought..

"This is it. I now have a boyfriend."

Dad's tell you daughter's that a true man would want to meet the parents. He would not want you to sneak out. He would honor you and look out for your reputation

We went back to his house. I can still find it if I drove over there. We drank wine coolers.
First time I had ever had alcohol....ever
I had NO FUCKING CLUE!
I was so damn naive....I had never been on a date, never been out with a guy other than 6th grade. Now I was in 9th. I had been homeschooled since 7th.

We went to bed. I on the very edge of his small bed. He kissed me.......
That's all I wanted.
He said,
"Can I take off my pants, I'm uncomfortable."

yeah, well so was I....

He wanted more. I said no...I was a virgin.
He said he'd use a condom...

I said "Do you even have one?"
He said, NO...

I thought, Good cause I don't want to do this...Please let someone come home(he had roomates)
I said No.

He didn't hear me.

At least that's what I told myself for years

Maybe I was supposed to scream. The Bible said a woman was supposed to scream,
I didn't scream..it was my fault. I thought, maybe this one time. All the while my insides protested against weakness.

My uncle taught me not to say no so loudly.

Fuck..that hurt

I walked into the bathroom
There was blood.
In it I felt safe. Good, I deserved that.
I hurt
Good, bad girls deserve to be ripped apart.

He dropped me off the next day.

And called me for the next 3 months.

Love/hate relationship... This is love. Pain

I wanted him to kidnap me far away.
He promised that he would
I would sneak out and be degraded
Over and over

Hurting, each time....self-esteem at my knees
I died.
I was no longer Tracie....

My parents found out...Feburary
"He skipped the state" that's all I remembered thinking...he skipped the state.
He left me.

Cycles.

He would call me from Maryland. He found me after I had gotten married
I never liked him after that. I would bad-mouth him.
One day I snuck out to meet him with my daughter who was 10 mnths old. My husband was in a drunken stupor...it was late.

Jeff was mad....I was all grown up,

Fuck you, Jeff, no.

He saw me 3 years later...I was at a 4th of July Party, a different person all together. I was a (un-practicing)dyke who hated men, but had to married to one, that secretly wanted hers to love her.

We went out..he wanted sex....Fuck you Jeff, no

I have not seen him again.

I'm very good at saying no now....With my fist.

Yet I'm still broken.
I am dirty

My mother once told me, that if I ever had sex before marriage, I'd feel this way. What she didn't know is that it had been taken from me since I was 2...I never had a choice.

I am dirty.

Cycles

I punish myself..
Blood

Today I looked for him
I would have liked to kick him, and spit on his fucking balls

Instead I purged the pain away...
Until I saw blood

Tonight I speak plainly.
To explain the poems I write
Pain that will never be purged away
Yet it causes me to run and hide
Makes me feel unworthy
Though I'd never tell a soul
It makes me incomplete
Wishing to be whole

and so the shade is drawn....against I speak in riddles. It's the only place that I feel completely safe. Let those who understand..listen

12:26 a.m. - 2004-12-11

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