sapphire02's Diaryland Diary

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Shedding this cocoon

Part of me can't stand this..everyday is the same. I wake up, play with Hannah, feed the kids. We walk around 1-2 p.m. come back, head to Walmart. Dinner is done by 5-6 p.m. Brandon comes home eats and disappears into his office. I am sit in front of this machine trying to remember who I am.
By 8-9 I have lost all control and a massive binge takes place. Suddenly I'm smiling again. My brain is completely numb to the fact I have spen the entire barely uttering words other than to talk the children.
I feel so alone and yet....the other part of me is so used to this. Why don't I take advantage of this?
I'll tell you why it's so hard, cause while I'm sitting, cleaning and cooking,wondering what the hell to do, I have to stop the fights, the baby's crying. It send my head into a whirlwind of emotion.

I am going to find a way to do this right. No more fucking around. I've only lost 43 pounds in two months. That's not enough. I still can't button my pants. I look at my pictures from last year and vainly wish to turn back time. Not to say I want to get rid of Hannah. But I want that body back.
I felt my ribs today. For the first time since I've been pregnant. I was stretching and replacing my bra, I saw my ribs protruding from between my now too large breasts. I ran my hands over it, it felt good, but not enough.
I reached around and felt my back, I can see my ribs. Before there was just fat under skin. It's like I'm shedding this skin cocoon...at last.

7:36 p.m. - 2006-04-10

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