sapphire02's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Attaching ourselves to older women, looking for some maternal pacifier that will kiss away our boo-boos, our mouth sealed shut against deluge that longs to pour from within. For there was always something that prevented me from telling all. Instead, the needy became the mother. Often times we'd sit her and I, she'd cry and tell me of this man or that asshole that had wronged her. I'd rant and rave along side, forgetting for a moment that I was the child, and she was the experienced one. Don't touch me, don't ever touch me....I am sexless "You are like a flower who's petals have been damaged. I can see a permanent sadness in your eyes." One man said to me as we danced. I smiled my mysterious smile and averted my eyes. I didn't want them to read to far or too deeply in the story that lie within. I was empty, and searching; disappointment met me around every bend. Slowly I stopped talking. One less sentence here, no more laughter there. I began to blend in with the walls that surrounded me. No more emotions...I prayed...No more I can't handle these One would see me staring at the computer screen, thinking I was chatting or writing. I was simply staring at nothing. I often pretended that I was reading something interesting, or that I was talking to someone, but really, I was willing all emotion to go away. My tears stopped, and I became stone. For awhile my demons lay dormant. As I focused my attention on my disappearing act, the voices that accused me of being unworthy grew quiet. I didn't hear the real ones that shouted from across the room, that I would never be loved, that I could never be pretty. I was locked away in a room of my own construction. I was safe. I am sitting here forcing my fingers to type. I notice that the scar I bore on my right hand is slowly fading. The calloused skin that bore testimony of secret pain, is finally disappearing. Somethings happened and I am powerless to stop it. Something snapped and I am being drawn back into her. I say her because it is often easier for me to personify this force than to simply say, Yet isn't that what I've done? Emotion...such strong emotion is welling up inside me, love that hurts like a thousand hammers in my chest, is threatening to pound me into dust. I cannot breathe under this pressure. The madness that is setting in freezes time. Suddenly, minutes that seem to have flown by yesterday, drag on and on. It is in time such as this that I miss my husband. I miss him holding me close.. feeling like I'm about to break. I miss his hands upon my hip bones, the hollow pit in my stomach, where he presses his lips. I miss feeling empty until his body lowers itself and fills me. How can I possibly make anyone else understand? Instead I am sitting here, feeling too full. Unable to do a thing about it. Obsessing over spaces between my fingers, contemplating the gaps between my rib cage. I have not gained any weight since last month, but I can tell the baby's bigger. I am crazy...no I am mad. I am craving that which I cannot be. At least, not yet. And some you will truly understand why, because you have suffered in my shoes. A spirit torn apart, never truly mends. At least, not in this life. "Jesus will take it away if you believe?" That is foolish. It is misdirected hope from the unknowing. The only time we will no longer cry is in heaven. So where does this leave me? It leaves me here...listening to the whirring of my computer, alone in the dark. Wondering when I will achieve my goal and find that wonderful place of peace. 3:27 a.m. - 2007-02-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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