sapphire02's Diaryland Diary

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Just don't think about it

What a stupid thing to say. From the moment those words are uttered, instantly the thoughts cement themselves into our brains. Like brands.

And the girl awoke to find her room suddenly dark. Two shadows stood over her. Struggle as she may, she could not break free from the paralysis that gripped her. She felt their hands, icy cold and clammy, reach down and pin down her wrist. They slapped heated iron upon them, her seared flesh recoiled at the sudden onslaught. She was bound and branded.

I did well yesterday. I ate like a good girl, despite the fear that gripped me tight. I told my husband what was going on, in hopes of holding myself accountable.

And that is why you got onto the scale twice today?

4 pounds lost. 2 when I first woke up, and another two this afternoon.
I didn't restrict today, I ate what I was supposed to. The only difference I stayed away from wheat and sugar (my dreaded enemies)

4 pounds of water is a lot of water. I'm sure the number will be higher when I wake up tomorrow. After all, I have been eating and I weighed myself late afternoon.

~grins slightly~

So this is not thinking about it? That's all I can do. I am obsessed with it. Counting numbers, reading labels all over again, I find myself back to where I was.

My physical illness only spurs my disorder forward.

I'm not restricting. I'm not B/P. I am a nervous wreck however.

My mother called today, and I thought for sure she'd mention my brothers name.
I half held my breath waiting. She never did. The stress of that left me poised on the edge of my seat, and I realized that I was only a hair trigger away from caving in.
She did talk of my uncle. However, like usual, I did not feel anything. I am still so very numb to his name. It is only on a rare day (usually if other stressful factors are involved) that I collapse under that name.

Don't think about it

No, that's just not possible

5:45 p.m. - 2007-04-26

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