sapphire02's Diaryland Diary

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Confused

I had a really rough night. One full of confusion and doubt.

Maybe I'm wrong. For the first time in a long time I feel like I'm just an idiot.
None of it happened every day. Just a few times from different men. The last two was because I didn't say "no" loud or firm enough.

I didn't live in terror every day as a child, it wasn't until I grew up and realized.
Maybe I'm just some stupid girl that's sad. I just don't know why I'm sad then. Maybe I am what they said...I'm nothing but a tease and deserved everything I got. Maybe I am just a stupid whore.

I don't know I'm confused.

My ex used to tell me that girls who had been raped asked for it. I don't know, how can a two year old ask for that?
But what about the others? Did I somehow ask for that? How come my mother pushed the issue? How come she never called the police?
I did for my daughter when I found out my brother was trying to sneak into her room.

They did nothing. And my mother still coddles him like the baby he is.

She was raped and that's how she had him. Is it genetic? She once told me that her father had messed with my uncle. Is that why he did that to me?

I'm thinking too much.

I don't feel good anymore. I wish I had already had this baby. I'm tired of trying to take care of me for it.
God I'm so selfish.

I just want to disappear though, and I can't with my stomach sticking out to there.

5:54 p.m. - 04/27/2007

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