sapphire02's Diaryland Diary

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The house that June destroyed

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I kept trying to talk to Brandon about it, but he was already drifting off.
In my mind I was walking through the rooms of the old house. It caused me to have a panic attack. I calmed myself with breathing...breathing hurt.

Brandon said, "Don't think about it."
I wish it were that easy. He had mentioned the items he wanted to get out of the house. I had a couple of nighties we think we left there. I just don't think I could put it on if he found them.
Anyways, I found myself wondering where we could have left them, and I saw each room.

I hate the hallway. I hate the backyard. I hate the kitchen. I hate the bathroom.

Why is this plaguing me so?

I know the anniversary date is coming up. 2 days after the birth of this child in fact. I pray that his day overshadows that one and I no longer dread June.

Everything bad happens to me in June. I hate that month. For the last 10 years, June has been a month of heartbreak.
My daughter hurts, though not nearly as bad as I do. Thank God. Sometimes when I look at her picture from that time, I realize just how small she was. I try not to cry.
Thank you God, for not allowing her to be hurt like I was. Thank you for preventing me from sleeping.
June 27th, 2005(what I had written the day after)
Shattered
I've always feared that the cycles of my past would then become the cycles of children.
This is more than I can bear.
And yet, each time the demon has reared it's ugly head, I have confronted him head-on.
Is it that I was born under a dark star? Or prehaps he just hates all that I am and will be?
There never seems to be a sigh of relief, at least not for more than breath.
He searched out my greatest fears, and my most terrifying experiences, he throws them in my face continually.

Have you ever noticed that some pains are passed down from one generation to the next?

My aching heart oh, it is more than breaking. It has been shattered into a million pieces.
It is a woe that can only be created by a trusted one.

My greatest fear now realized and I no longer feel, except to hold on to the one that grows within me.
Stay stong little one, until this storm passes.

Your children are precious gifts from God. He commands much of us that have been allowed to raise and nurture them. and rightly so.
In so doing he has given us a sense of intuition.
I would say that anyone who says they never knew something evil was about to befall their child is a liar...else they were too drunk or high to pay attention to the signs.

My stomach rolls at the thought of what if...

What if I had not been aware of the buzzing in my head.
What if I had ignored the voice whispering..

Go..check the door. make sure all is well.

If I had not pay attention, the spirit of my child would have been stunted, or worse. Killed.

Instead I sit here, with grief umanagable. Unable to fully grasp the knowledge of what I had prevented. My heart in pieces, totally disconnected from self.
Probably best, for it allowed me to do what was needed. Separate heart from blood. For it has been poisoned.

I bid that part of me goodbye. Gone is the childhood joy we shared. No more do I believe in you.
My arms outstretched, I guard the gate to my garden. I place two angels there to prevent the theif in the night.
Shut the door and keep out the devil, light a candle my children will be alright.

I know I cannot go into details any further. It pains, and shames me to the core. I feel as though this is somehow my fault. For this happened to me and no one saved me...and know I must re-live it again. Though the ending is different, my heart bleeds the same.

6:44 a.m. - 2007-04-29

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