sapphire02's Diaryland Diary

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Thoughts of an Idle Mind:

My husband is flying out to California, he wants to go to the old house to get things we might have left behind. Seriously? I don't want anything from there. Just the very thought of that house reminds me of him

I would love to go back to California. I do miss parts of it. I'm just afraid of the memories there...so many bad.

Thoughts of an Idle Mind:
Today at work I had plenty of time to sit and think. So I decided to write down what I was thinking about. There are references to entries I made in past journals.


Today I read:

Whoever has passed though long years of imprisonment remains a prisoner ever after he has been freed" ~Paster Wurmbrand..written while serving two out of 12 years in solitary confinement.

I was not in any such place. However, I was the subject of mental and physical abuse for years.
Perhaps what he is saying is though Jesus has set us free physically, we, by our own accord, remain there by our thoughts and trained responses to pain.

I am free, but I shall never taste true freedom until I leave this world.

I have long ceased in asking God "why" I went through the things I did.
If God did not answer His son as he hung on the cross and cried,
My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" why should He have to answer me. Instead Jesus bore the pain of all mystery, I suppose I could follow His example and do so too.

I have found a fragile sort of peace in thinking that I suffered and struggle as example of an imperfect christian. I will never attain perfection while on earth. I am only proof that we that are weak can be made strong, and the ugly can be loved perfectly by Him.

Yes, Freedom


Freedom from this life's unbearable pain.

When I lived in Misery's prison, I often asked God to save me.
Every six months it seemed as if another devestating tragedy would occur, I would cry out and begged God to give me a break.

"You said that you wouldn't give us anything beyond what we could bear, well, just a couple of months, Lord. Give me a break for a couple of months."

Indeed He did, and looking back I see that it only postponed the inevitable.

After several years I finally gave up and just said,

"Are You breaking me?
I hope so.
Because until You destroy me I cannot live."
"http://sapphyra00.livejournal.com/146565.html"

So He did. My death to that life, freed me to live.

However Hope has it's price as well:


Suicide


I have heard music so beautiful that I had wished to be taken immeadiately to the gates of paradise. It is not something audible to anyone else, mind you. I have read of others that have heard this music, and they often are driven mad.
If you asked me what I was doing in the moments that I waited for death so many years ago, I would have told you that I was in my car listening to music and it filled me with peace.

I have read the stories written in the heavens and become so blinded by it's light, that I became mezmorized by it's message.

The beauty of Truth can also can also bring a form of madness if one is not watchful. For there are times when the Siren's accompaniment overpowers the gently strain of her maker.
Sometimes the light above blinds our eyes from seeing the One who authored their story.

And in those time I longed for Death

When one is left with nothing but Hope, you begin to lose your fear of Death. For before the first strains of Hope were played, your spirit was indeed dead. What more can man do to you? Hope whispers it's promise across blackness, causing men's heads to be lifted up. Madness is the harmony that beckons you closer.

"Why wait any longer? Take your freedom now. Why suffer any longer for a prize that is surely yours. The price has been paid, die forgiven in perfect peace."

For one who often thinks of herself unworthy love, the temptation to jump is great.

Am I mad for thinking so?

I would venture to say not, for even Paul said,"
2 Corinthians 5

2 For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven:

3 If so be that being clothed we shall not be found naked.

4 For we that are in this tabernacle do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed, but clothed upon, that mortality might be swallowed up of life.

And in verse 6

6 Therefore we are always confident, knowing that, whilst we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord:

7(For we walk by faith, not by sight:)

8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.
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Only those who heard the strains of paradise understood when I wrote in my journal:

I heard Orion call to me:
Beloved, how I love thee. Await for me, beneath my mountain

And I answered my longing:

"Tell me then, When Comes the Spring??"

Reaching down from heaven
The door is now open
She hesitates to tell me

Spring......

Raven's beauty
Fly across the sky
Carry a message for the dying

Spring.....

April showers to bring May flowers.

When winter's reign has come to end
Spring will remain
I go back to join the heavens
My Sapphire, I will claim

http://orion-the-great.livejournal.com

I have since turned away, shutting my mind to the music. For my heart is pre-occupied. Death now symbolises the end of long-awaited love.
I am not ready leave Brandon just yet.


11:36 p.m. - 2007-04-28

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