sapphire02's Diaryland Diary

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Your Grace

Like a child I feel as though I need to write it about 100x. Instead it repeats itself over and over again in my mind.

I don't like this. I don't like the visions that come when I am lying with my husband. It takes all beauty from the moment and makes it a mad struggle within my head.

I see one face of three with their mocking smile and it makes all touch become like needles. I fight to keep my face impassive as I feel my body cringe.

He doesn't deserve that. Sure it's not all the time, only in moments of great weakness. I suppose today was prime for an attack such as tonight's. Feeling blue and tired for no reason are like hot and cold air in the atmosphere. They are bound to crash, causing a massive storm later that night.

Like a tornado

The whirlwind of emotions overcome me and it's all I can do to keep my mouth shut from screaming.
Afterward I just lie there and cry.

My husband doesn't deserve that. Oh Lord, he is a wonderful and gentle man. He never fails to gather me into his arms and remind me that I am safe...that we are safe. It is in those moments that I feel so foolish.

why??

Why do such things come and invade the most precious of moments?
It is those times that I wish most often just to die.

But I won't, and really I can't, I love my family far too much to do that. Really, it's not that I want to die anyways, I just want my head to shut the hell up.

Your grace is sufficient.

It's all that keeps me sane. That verse is like a life buoy in a swirling sea of madness that threatens to drown me.

1Corinthians 12:7-10
7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

I have prayed often to be freed from such memory and that has not at this time been granted. Perhaps to help those who suffer from the same. I don't know. However, I know that it does indeed keep me running back to You. For this is at times, too great to bear.

I thank You again for Brandon. Like he said,

We are not accidents. For he is the only one that truly can understand. I only feel safe with him, despite all the crap that goes on and the crippling fear I may feel, it is he that I feel the most secure.
Even though I hate the fact that I am "crippled" by this, and often there are times I wish I could run away...where could I go? Who could possibly love me the way he does? No man could ever love this way.

No, we are not an accident.
Our love is a human example of the love You have for us. And I am so grateful to experience that every day.

Thank You, Father.

1:21 a.m. - 2003-05-12

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