sapphire02's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Forgive Me They never loved you. Your mother doesn�t love you. Your father doesn�t love you. I remember the night my ex followed me around the house whispering that with a sinister smile. I kept trying to shut him out, behind closed doors, clapping my hands over my ears. I found myself rocking back and forth on the cold tile in the bathroom, telling myself that it wasn�t true, all the while my heart sank as I realized that maybe it was. I used to think he was just evil and vindictive; using his psychology to fuck up my already tired mind. Last night as we talked I heard the truths, only spelled out in different words. I didn�t say anything, but my cheeks burned at the scorching tears that fell without permission. I lay there in the dark, wishing my husband would shut the hell up�wishing it weren�t true�feeling sick because it is. I wanted the dream You see, they had asked me to come back home. I forgot all about the distance, the feelings of insecurity, the wanting to prove that I was okay. I forgot it for a moment, and pretended that all of this wasn�t because they needed the grandchildren close. It�s not so better here His parents asked him if he wanted to go see a football game. They used the words �you guys��which he interpreted it as our family. Only it wasn�t. The invitation was for him and his brother. �We haven�t been a family in a long time� That�s what triggered this whole thing. Remind me once more how I am not wanted�go ahead please. I haven�t heard it enough. I hate the fact that he wanted me to get better. I hate the fact that we moved out here, away from my mountains, the one place I feel peace. Or maybe it�s just my cross. My curse I have to carry. Either way, I�m tired. I�m laying it down and refusing to carry it any further. Fergie...I love your new hit�Big Girls don�t Cry. I�m not going to anymore. Tonight is the last of these stupid tears. He didn�t see as they fell, one by one, disappearing into a worn out carpet. He did not feel their wet embrace as they went in search for sympathy. I strengthen my resolve and set out again, for that which I began. If you take a negative out of the equation, then all you have remaining is positive. I love you, babies�all of you. I swear I do. I am trying to give you the world, but the world and those who claim to be separate prevent me at every turn. 1:43 a.m. - 2007-08-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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