sapphire02's Diaryland Diary



There is no change in weight, size or anything. I became quite despondent and began to purge. That's twice in less than an hour. I would like to do it again, but it's such a waste.

It all started with a simple thought.

I was the "Other Woman"

When I was a child, I found it funny to mark the box

Choosing between marking blk or whte was just too hard for me to comprehend. I wasn't fully white and I am not fully black. So I must be an other.

Little did I know that the label would follow me all the days of my life.

Growing up, I was a cute teen, had many admirers, just no one brave enough to approach me at my age. So I deemed myself unwanted and had no problems with the age difference of the men that would talk to me.

Men, not boys, and I was 15.

I didn't know until years later, that I was NOT their main woman. I was the "Other" girl.
That planted a seed in my heart, one that spread it's cold roots until it wrapped tightly around my very soul, but that wouldn't present itself until much later.

Before that, I would get married, taking my place as the Main woman, and tossed aside as the "Other One at home".

I would make myself up, clean the house, prepare the most awesome meals, fit for a king.
All in hopes him noticing me. When that did not happen, I settled in for a long depressing ride once again

The "Other Woman"

After onefateful summer of me trying to unsuccessfully off myself, whether I was happy about that or not, I found myself working for the company that handled my insurance. We were talking about HIPPA and how we were allowed to talk about the diagnosis that were given to members.

I was curious, so I waited until we had to do our hands-on training and I looked up my name:

Ambulance Transport
Diagnosis: Unspecified Psychosis

What the fuck was that anyway?

It was their way of protecting your mental state of mind I told myself. I wasn't satisfied with the answer, even while I was glad it didn't say: suicidal.

Unspecified Psychosis:
Doing harm to others
Inability to function in society
Health problems associated with inability to function well

Why didn't they put the real reason. Suicidal due to living with a drug addict/ alcoholic, just found out he slept with 5 women, just before I let him come back home and live with me again.

Uh no, we can't label her. We don't actually know what the fuck is wrong with her, but there is something not quite right, because she can't seem to get her foot solidly in her rightful place.

Flash ever more years ahead, because this is after-all, only a Forward of the beginning chapters of How I became, became, or shall I just say in the act of becoming,

I found myself, or rather he found me and took me in to his heart. Only I didn't know who I was as it were and the two forces were ever commanding center stage on this platform commonly referred to as, My Life.

She, the "Other Me" she had the upper hand, not so much now, but she quite often makes her unwanted presence known. Well she had me running away from this, kind and gentle man that invited me into his world, demons and all.

It was by his bidding that I went and sought help from once again, that place that had my whole unspecified mental history, where it was once deemed that I was fit to offer help to others in need.

I sat there, feeling quite old, and very stupid. This was not a place for grown women, this was a place for growing teens.

She had me tell her everything I ate, what I kept down, how often I didn't. Then she gave me a packet of papers to fill out.

"Keep track of everything that you eat, how you feel"

Alright, I can do that, I have been doing that, down to the very last calorie. I could give you a list of what I ate and how I felt, spanning back two years.

I watched in feign disinterest, her sign my diagnosis: EDNOS

Eating disorder not otherwise specified

The label that mean it was other...unspecified, in simple terms? It was something Other than bulimia, and it was Anorexia. It was OTHER

Fuck this, fuck you and I'll come back sicker and you will finally label me. I will have a name.

I starved and I purged down to almost nothing.

You see it was far easier to be nothing, than something with no name.

Nothing didn't get blamed
Nothing had anything to do
Nothing was the matter

Other was just there.

There, that is my forward, because quite honestly, I am tired of telling the old tale. So I give highlights to this new saga, in which after 25 years of being that Other Woman, I am now learning to love just Who I am...though I am still not quite sure just yet.

Oh, and I suppose I should begin with how I gathered back all of the pieces of my molten heart, because that it the most recent of histories and it all started with that piece of ice-plant that took up residence so many years ago.

9:27 p.m. - 2015-03-04


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: