sapphire02's Diaryland Diary

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The Mother-Knot

The correlation between a mother/daughter relationship and eating disorders are great. In saying this I will post what my mother has written to me today. I had added her to a prayer/dream journal in hopes to begin a "deeper" relationship. I did this when I was tipsy and felt very unsure at first. However I'm okay with it now.

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 17:44:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: I get afraid
From MOM
To: [email protected]

Hi, now my mind has been worried all day on my post if you read it and
get
upset with me. Oh I hate that! Stepping in areas that are tender and
hidden is so scary. But you know that I know about your eating disorder
and you know I know that it is hard for you (deep sigh). I can't take
you
in my arms and make you better. So I think I must get you to see to be
strong, focus on good things, tough love. Like a coach and how can I
encourage you??? Oh if only I could get to see that your health is in
danger. I will share this with you about my depressions. There are
times I
think I want to just go away, leave everyone and I even wonder if God
really cares. I get so deep into this that I wonder why I am alive.
Then I
tell myself I have children, grandchildren and a husband and sister and
friends who will be hurt if I do not stop. I say here's a plan: I will
eat
healthy, ride my bike, get out the house, and do a Bible Study with an
other. Satan comes to destroy and we must fight. Now! We must Trust
because the stress is to much and anyone can fall. Yours is the eating
fears and it gets your body all mess-up so Satan can attack. Mine is my
depressions and negative thoughts. To be honest if I am stupid and let
go
of my life wouldn't you be crushed by that? Well so would us all if you
fail at getting better. You are loved. It starts with a thought I want
to
be healthy more than just being thin.
It is okay to eat what you need and just make most by eating wholesome
food even if the scale doesn't budge. If need be throw the scale out.
Stop
looking in the mirror because you are not seeing yourself right. And go
to
bed and sleep little more. Are you drinking coffee? And one last thing
don't be upset with me because I love you and want only to love you
better
each day. Thats it because I have decided not to talk about this
anymore
because it will drive down a road I will not go and you are an adult. I
will love you and like you always my baby girl.

My Response
No need to worry, I wasn't upset. It's not that I'm not eating right. I have eggs for breakfast and a salad for lunch topped with sunflower seeds. Sometimes I'll get grilled chicken to put on top (if it's not too dry) Dinner is whatever the family eats. My head doesn't do that all the time..just when I read about certain things in the Bible. I always feel like something is going to jump out and go BOO!

However yes, the other night I thought it would make my head feel better, so I did purposly go and do that. It didn't help.

Mirrors are not my friend so I don't look. I think our scale is broken..so I don't go by that either.

Anyways I have to go jump in the shower, we are supposed to go somewhere.

I am not lying..I do eat an egg for breakfast and a piece of bacon too. I eat a salad for lunch and then purge dinner on most days. She had read between the lines and saw that I had purged, and I didn't try to lie and get out of it.

Still it is amazing how well our mother's know us.

12:42 a.m. - 2003-09-28

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