sapphire02's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One small complaint Reading over an entry I made in my journal makes me wonder. If I were someone reading it would I see myself as someone with virtues? I speak on the subject of marriage. I will be perfectly honest here. This is my journal and I use as such, it just happens that strangers read it and can comment. If I don't like you say I can close the browser. I have a horrible marriage. Sometimes I type my feelings on subjects that are kind of touchy. While these feelings may be strong, it is enough that I express, I do not have to act upon them. Marriage is hard. Especially when it's dead. Recently I posted that I was attracted to a man. These thoughts would be in my head if I typed them here or not. Will I act foolishly and pursue this? No. I said what I had to say and now I feel better. If you keep something a secret than you are more likely to act upon an impulse. If you put it out there sometimes just hearing yourself is enough to shed a true light on the subject. I have had e-mail from those who think what I've said here is wrong? Why? Because I've admitted that I'm human and have feelings? Am I supposed to pretend that I do not feel like crap sometimes? Rest assured: I will not commit the cheat on my husband. No matter what he does. He may, and he had on several occasions physically cheated on me. I won't. I am not into revenge. it never pays. I have learned this while I was young. I still pay for acts on revenge. I won't do it because I'm lonely. I could never find true happiness in a lie. I don't watch Jenny Jones, Jerry Springer or any other talk show that promotes the destruction of family. I could not live a lie and then tell my children to be honest and trust-worthy. I'll tell what I will and am in the process of doing. 1) I will leave this man I'm with. I will have respect for myself and not allow him to use me as a doormat. 2) I will find someone who has the same values I hold. It doesn't work any other way. You cannot change anyone but yourself so there is not point in trying. 3) I will not play savior, I am a woman who can accept flaws, but I cannot save you from yourself. My husband tried to make me do that. he would often say, "you need to help I can't do it by myself. When I tried, I was emotional and physically abused. 4) Above all I will be true to myself and my children. What's best for them comes first. They are my priority. I don't know how else to make it clear. This is a journal. One where you can freely express yourself. While actions start with a thought, thoughts bottled are destructive. 10:26 p.m. - 2003-04-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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